Friday, March 03, 2006
If god really exist, i would really like to ask him..... why do you have to make me so disappointed on my birthday? why can't i just be like Yvonne smiling from ear to ear with a 183cm birthday present? why why why? I am really super upset despite the birthday wishes and presents.....
Jonathan don't be worried you did not spoil my day... i did it myself... from the time the clock struck 12.. i waited for something special to happen.. nothing... i am feeling so empty... so cold... except that my msn keeps ringing and my sms keep going on.... but as i typed 'haha thanks'.. i felt more empty.. empty empty... upset... disappointed... Its like i am 19 now... with each sms i got... my mood seems to drop one level down and down and down... i counted the number of messages i got... 18... leaving me with 1... the number 1.... i am at the lowest mood... i can't help it... i teared... my vision blurred... my concerntration level for my exam paper.. and studying for it drop... i stared and stared,.... even during the paper.. i kept looking out of the window.. the scenery... so calm... trees swaying with light momentum... the sun peeping in through the window... everything looks so perfect so calm.. i cannot stand it anymore.. and request to be moved away from the sun... i dun wan to feel warm.. because my heart... is feeling really cold....
After the paper came the second shock..... Here i would like to clarify.... Junda... i never hated you.. i just dislike your lateness.. it irks me alright? i am sorry to say this... but your latesness don't only affect youself but also other classmate.. you distract other pple's thoughts each time in come in late... do you understand? thats why i won't say happy birthday to you that time.. because you irritated me because you distract my train of thoughts each time you enter class. i promise to be nice to you if you not be late? i will keep my promise... but can you?
I can say that my mood was at my lowest at that time.. even the lowest mood..1..is not left.. its 0... i met Ying Ying.. she cheered me up,... she made me smile... with penny and ying.. i had a real great time..i really did...
Today i work up still very pissed.. the talk regarding disneyland pissed me because all of a sudden i feel that i am very useless.. i will not be able to make it for the disneyland interview because i hardly give people the impression they wants... Ms chen said to me once before.. it hurt my pride.. but i ignored... went home to celebrate my birthday with my family for dinner... I was not in a good mood.. but dad talked to me.. i was impatient.. my mum scolded me which makes my dad feel so mighty... he hurt me alot alot.. He said he will not give me allowance to go to dubai.. he will not give me 7000 to go to usa for itp.. he will keep it to go golfing at Europe... It hurt me.. but i kept quiet... Tears were welling up in my eyes but i forced everything back.... Had dinner... then home... and realise.. i could not find my passport...
I knew i put my passport in the cardboard when my dad said it.. i ask him where is it... he say i am shirking responsibility at me.. he scolded me wang ba dan.... i went to hunt for the passport quietly though i know i did not misplace the passport... then i went to tell my mum i could not find it.. she say that teaches you for misplacing things all the time.. she says she hopes i could not find my passport... it was a stab in my heart,.... what hurt most was what my dad said.. he said... this is bao ying.. bao ying for being rude to him... and said lao tian you yan....i almost cried but i wanna show that i am a weakling.. my force my tears back and prevent i didn't care....
Mum ask Dad to find the passport in his office.. he found it.. all along he had the passport... I am innocent....
Tomorrow i am going to Dubai... But i am not the least bit happy...
*tears rolling down my cheeks*
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feel the magical essence...# ;
